Coming Out: Part 3

29 Aug

So here’s the next instalment of Coming Out…


So I was pulled out the closet against my will with regards to telling people.  I had peeked out the door but I was comfy snuggled up in the winter furs of denial.  It’s not that I hadn’t realised for a long time I was gay, it’s not even that I hadn’t done anything gay, I just wasn’t really ready to tell the world…not that it should have be a big shock to anyone; I had, after all spent  my childhood choreographing dance routines to Madonna songs with the neighbour girls whilst the boys were wrestling (hmmm?); My teen years were spent mostly bouncing around in Lycra.  Being from a small town where there didn’t appear to be any gay people made the idea of coming out seam like a really big deal…

So I moved away to Uni, my best mate from home told me he was gay, I still didn’t want to tell anyone…perfect opportunity really.  Then, out of the blue, I had no choice.  We had gone to “Torremolinos” (the end of year Uni party) where I had spent the evening getting friendlier with the barman I’d been flirting with all year… At the end of the night my best friend in the whole world who I’d spent the last year living with and getting to know, told me she had feelings for me…Eek!  I spent that night going through things in my head.  As far as I could see I had two choices, both not great…

1:  Spare my friends feelings, start a relationship and just hope I could play the part with a modicum of success.

2: Finally get around to telling someone I was gay and break my beloved friends heart in the process.

I chose 2.

Telling my parents happened a few weeks later.  I was at a family 18th birthday party and was ridiculously drunk.  My aunt came up to me and said “when are you going to get around to telling your parents?” (I say I don’t even know how she knew but, as I said before, you could see my gayness from space).  It’s all a bit hazy, I think I pretty much just blurted it out to my folks in front of everyone.  They were fine, but I really, really regretted it the next day and spent the whole day under my duvet sobbing…I felt like I’d let them down in some way…my sister reminded me yesterday she came and offered me a Malteser to make me feel better…she’s such a sweet darling.

So to follow were a few years of spiralling out of control.  I didn’t want to talk to my parents (even though they were fine about it), I ended up on really terrible terms with my best friend for over a year (awfully upsetting, thankfully all is now great) and pretty much managed to near kill myself with a delightful mixture of drugs, alcohol and eating disorders…fun, fun, fun. My first long term boyfriend (for over 3 years) turned out to be…shall we say “not the right person for me” and I wish my parents would have told me they thought he was a douche instead of thinking it would appear they were “disapproving of my lifestyle” and letting me figure it out for myself.

Reading back over this makes it seem quite bleak, at the time it didn’t seem so bad.  In retrospect, I just remember feeling really sad and lonely.

Thankfully Mykie managed to sort himself out and become a semi-productive member of society and is currently living out his Happily Ever After with Simon and I…Happy Days.


One Response to “Coming Out: Part 3”

  1. Hannie September 13, 2010 at 9:12 pm #

    Whoda thunk, after all that trauma, thet I’d be bridesmaid at your wedding? I blame Ian for the whole mess. He’s the one that started that conversation. Silly boy.

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