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Objects of our affection: Senti-mental?

24 Aug

House is being decorated…everywhere smells of paint which is pleasant at first but now the novelty has worn off.  The boys have bought new bedroom furniture which has resulted in less storage space (I’m not entirely sure why bedside tables costing ten times the old ones could have about a quarter of the space).

Traumatic for Mykie, not really an issue for Simon…

So, I’ve got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty. I’ve got whozits and whatzits galore…what am I going to do?  I’m not being contrary for the drama of it all, I’m just one of those people who gets attached to things and struggles to de-clutter.  The 8 ball from my old Uni flat (akin to keeping the obligatory student traffic cone/sign I know); I don’t require it to function on a daily basis, but, it reminds me off my student days.  The now tatty, plaid trousers I wore on my first date with Simon, I don’t wear them any more but the thought of discarding them fills me with sadness.  I could go on and on but suffice it to say that I have piles of things that do not serve any use and are taking up room.  I could put things in a memory box perhaps?  Been there, done that, memory boxes updated every year and filled to bursting.  I had to take the plunge and get ruthless.  Out went “The Endless” models, out went the empty Westwood and Tiffany & co. boxes, out went the tie I wore when I interviewed for my job, out went the never worn clothes picked up on holidays.

I found this extremely difficult and a little upsetting.  Simon on the other hand saw it as a great opportunity to de-clutter;  He doesn’t seem to get attached to clothes and inanimate objects as I do.  Simon’s wardrobe operates on a strict “one in, one out” policy, and not many things are above the “clutter cull” (the notable exceptions being the random trinkets, crochet, origami and other knick-knacks I give him as little gifts…nice, as I bet he’s itching to chuck them all).

Is it a negative trait to keep items for nostalgias sake?  Should memories be enough without the need for a trinket to attach them to?  Should we all learn to let go?

I find it strange how some people get attached to things.  I’ll happily chase anything if it’s woolly and moves about.

I think it’s about time Mykie got around to reading Bruce Hood’s Supersense.


Nº1CDA: RHS Tatton-fleurfect day out!

25 Jul

Once again I was abandoned as the boys had booked tickets to the Tatton Flower Show…or what has been dubbed “invasion of the wheelie trolly” due to the hilarious amount of people with those crates on wheels for carting their purchases about…

So, we arrived bright and early at 10am, not bad when you live ten minutes down the road.  I’d been up since 4.30am as for some reason I had “Christmas excitement” and didn’t want to wake up Simon (he did wake up as he thought I’d fallen down the toilet or died in a corner somewhere).

We didn’t really know what to expect as we’d never bothered to go before…It was so enjoyable!

The gardens were mostly amazing!  There was the odd dull display and a few of the LHA and school type gardens were not really worth a look.  Most had a great theme, exquisite planting and beautiful design concepts.  Some of our favourites had “non floral queerness” such as this one featuring a man playing a flute type instrument all day…

I’m not sure when he got time for a natural break…but maybe that’s a little wooden toilet he’s sat on.

Things got decidedly more strange in the Visionary Gardens.  “A Matter of Time” which I have renamed “Alien with her vagina out lying in a giant bowl of lettuce”…

Continuing in the gynaecological vein…check out these carnivorous plants!  I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure this is what a womanly space looks like if you peel the lady off the outside…

Look how moist they look…I feel nauseated.  They were inside the National Plant Society and Floral Marquees…one of the absolute highlights of the day!  The most amazing, amazing specimens of flowers and vegetables we’ve ever seen!  Flowers so big, bright, colourful, beautiful that they didn’t look real.  Vegetables so large, bulbous and succulent you felt a bit naughty looking at them…

The best part of the day was definitely lunch in the Fortnum & Mason brasserie.  It was like a restaurant had just popped up in the middle of a field.  The food was divine as expected and really reasonably priced…we both had a three course lunch, a glass of vintage champers and a glass of wine for £120.

There were shops and stalls and music and entertainment, lot’s to see and do, but we had seen most things by mid afternoon.  We’d recommend  a visit especially if you are in need of anything garden or plant related…we got a nice weather day, it would probably be a lot less fun in the rain.  If you have kids there is a crèche but the loud speaker man kept announcing there was a maximum stay of two hours…don’t know what happened then, I think they threw overdue children in the wood chipper…Whilst we’re on that subject, some parents encouraged their horrid offspring to cross a fence for a picture sat on a lounger in one of the display gardens!  I was shocked and disgusted!  I am penning a letter to the RHS right now! “Rant, rant, rant, yours sincerely, “appalled in Altrincham”.

I guess the boys had a good time, Mykie is now annoying everyone going on about being an apiarist but he’ll be out of my hair for a few hours at least planting his new “Ladybird Poppy” seeds…

Ice Cream Saviours!

20 Jul

I’m only allowed to eat my special Persian food as it is good for me…ok I get the odd treat of nori or duck liver and champagne pâté.  I don’t mind, I don’t really have a sweet tooth.  The boys do though! Mykie’s big thing is ice cream…it’s the only food that inspires sounds otherwise reserved for carnal indulgences.

This weekend we found ambrosia!  Thank you Waitrose!

Delightful!  They were substantial in size and tasted acceptably chocolatey and…less than 2% fat and typically 82 calories per stick!

These weren’t as good…they were smaller, had more calories and tasted a bit like cork…they were nice on a plate with some raspberries from the garden…on the whole…a bit shit…but each sandwich typically contains 101 calories and 2.8g of fat.

So it was Ice Cream Bonanza this weekend!  Simon had a slight problem as he thought the new finds were full of shit and chemical badness…

Then, like lightning, a memory, childhood summers, delicious dairy goodness, dildos…


Only 30 kcals per dildo…and still as delicious as ever…like sucking on nostalgia!

So no longer will ice cream be limited to the occasional treat in this house…frozen, milky phalluses for all!!!!

Worse gift ever? The cringing mix of gratitude and horror.

5 Jul

Everyone loves presents, exquisitely wrapped surprises that scream to be ripped open to reveal the perfectly thoughtful delights nestled inside…or not.

Every now and then there is an absolute nightmare contained in that package that promised so much…your face contorts in a pseudo-smile that does it’s best to conceal the grimace that says plainly “what the fuck were you thinking?”

The worse gift I’ve received is a white velvet, sterling silver and swarovski crystal collar that Mykie thought would be adorable on me.  It gets tangled in my fur so fortunately I escape the other cats calling me a big pussy.

Mykie and Simon have been given some absolute atrocities too…

I was talking to the wonderful Mr Nicksy on twitter a few days ago and was reminded of the most horrendous wedding present we were given…

It is so comedy terrible; it is literal LOL.  Thank goodness I was unconscious on the stairs following The Big Cheese Crash 2009.  Simon had the joy of opening this wonder alone in front of the givers whose sanity and taste level are obviously questionable at best.

The picture really doesn’t do it justice…As you can see, it is supposedly two gayers with strange rubbery faces that have tied the knot.  What you might not be able to see is that under the dashing 1980s jackets they are shirtless…and wearing jeans.  Yes, the sculptor obviously thinks that the gays get married semi-naked and in denim.  One of the men is missing a finger…is this an accident in transit; or, does the sculptor believe that unrelenting anal finger-blasting causes queers to loose digits?

The strangest thing about the whole debacle is who bought us this pewter nightmare…It was from an elderly couple who don’t drive and are as familiar with the internet as I am with a vagina…where in hell did they get it from????

We felt so awful and I feel a pang of guilt still for deriding what was a thoughtful and relevant(?) gift…but that is the agony of the gift from hell……but all said and done, we didn’t feel bad enough to keep it…

I think the boys win, my collar is actually quite adorable…I had to stare at the statue of homo holocaust for nearly a week until the bin men arrived to put it out of its misery…it was fucking awful.

Quintessentially English vs Quintessentially Gay

29 Jun

As my food bowl was filled to capacity and two extra water bowls were placed on the floor I knew the boys where neglecting me yet again and going away over night…They were off to Stratford for a culture based weekend…was it worth the trip when Manchester packs quite a cultural punch?  More importantly, to what degree did the planned quintessentially English trip become a big gay away?

over to Mykie…

As we were over packing our suitcase Saturday morning (QG) and trying to squeeze my second toiletry bag into the luggage (QG) the post man delivered Simon’s pre-ordered “Kylie: all the lovers pack” (QG) which became the anthem of the road trip (QG)…picked up the in-laws and we were on our way!

We arrived in Shakespeare Land and spent a lei surly afternoon eating ice-cream by the river (QE), visiting Shakespeare’s house (QE) (well we looked at it…there was a big queue), and, on the hottest day of the year, shopping for Christmas ornaments in an all-year wonderland with faux snow and everything (QG)!  
We also spent a large portion of the day wondering how hot the living statues were in the heat and paint (QE).  The statues in Stratford are all gold and Shakespearian, much more impressive than the dull, grey scary ones in Manchester…win for Stratford!

In the evening we walked to the theatre to see “Morte d’Arthur” (QE).  The RSC is amazing!  The Royal Exchange Manchester is decent but this was something else!  Flying angels, horses made of people, tranny-devil and even a noteworthy shirtless man episode (QG).  The acting was top drawer, Arthur aged from a twatty imbecile to an ageing, wizened monarch seamlessly…Mordred was a deformed Geordie who brought a great touch of comedy.  It was a fast paced, fly by the seat of your pants tour of the whole of Arthur’s rein (for four hours! a 25 minute interval and a 5 minute pause (piss) I can’t sit still through a Dr Who usually but I was enthralled).  Great production! Bravo RSC (QE)!  As I was sweating like a whore and we were at the theatre, darlings…we needed a little razz-ma-tazz…that’s my explanation for purchasing a pink hand-fan which I spent the weekend wafting myself with (QG, so very QG).

Sunday, after being interrupted mid coitus by Mama Dotsy knocking on our hotel room door (QG), we had a lovely full English (QE). I had cereal as I had eaten so much the previous day I was feeling very Gabourey Sidibe so went for a low-fat breakfast (QG) (and I’d just eaten a sausage).  There was a woman, unfortunately, screaming at the hotel staff about her “boyfriend” not being able to find a parking spot and he had “a very expensive car”…this turned out to be an over-tanned, mid 50s, “long hairs are more hairs” man in a Z4 who proceeded to reverse 50 meters down the pavement…they obviously thought they were the Zeta-Douglas’ but they were just common, trashy scum…vile (is Jezza Kyle QE? I hope not)!

We strolled down the river late morning (QE) (OK, I had found a craft market so Simon sat on a bench whilst I rummaged (QG)).  I rowed my husband down the Avon in a row-boat (QE sort of).  Simon was steering, I was rowing…we crashed into a pile of trees trying to turn around (QG) (This was so Simon’s fault not that he admits it).  A brief trip to Anne Hathaway’s house and garden (QE)…(no, not that one QG) who I’m guessing didn’t have a gift shop attached when she resided there.  It sold pink quills and ink (QG) I wasn’t allowed any as I had my fan (QG).

Ended a perfectly delightful weekend bombing home down “28 days later motorways” as the football was on which we didn’t give a small rat crap about (QG).

This England never did, nor never shall,
Lie at the proud foot of a conqueror.

William Shakespeare, “King John”

(Sorry football fans)

It seems Stratford is worth a visit if you enjoy a nice, quiet weekend and excellent theatre…It also appears that Mykie can’t even get through a play without buying a gay piece of tat.  Manchester theatres are great but if you really want a treat, get yourself some RSC tickets…hope next season has some good shows because I enjoyed having the house to myself!


2 Jun

Crack open a can o’ grog!  Our favourite pirate is back!!

Mr Threepwood is back in a FIVE PART ADVENTURE that is released this July!

There is also a remake of SECRET OF MONKEY ISLAND with all new HD graphics!

I can’t wait to “<use> meat <with> deadly pirahna poodles”!

You fight like a dairy farmer.
How appropriate. You fight like a cow.

I CAN’T WAIT!!!!!!!!

#1 Cat Detective Agency: Drink of choice!

1 Jun

The weather is so hot!!!

My beverage of choice to cool me down is…

STARBUCKS: Venti Espresso Light Frappe (2x shot)

Espresso Frappuccino® Light Blended Coffee

Starbucks® coffees combined with a shot of our signature Espresso Roast® espresso and milk, blended with ice, just with fewer calories.



Serving Size 24 fl. oz.
  Amt Per Serving
Calories  150
Fat Calories  5
Total Fat (g)  1
Saturated Fat (g)  0
Trans Fat (g)  0
Cholesterol (mg)  0
Sodium (mg)  260
Total Carbohydrates (g)  28
Fiber (g)  3
Sugars (g)  18
Protein (g)  6
Vitamin A  0%
Vitamin C  0%
Calcium  15%
Iron  0%
Caffeine (mg)  160


Buzzy coffee goodness, cool icy refreshing, 150 Kcal!!!!!!!