Tag Archives: low calorie

Ice Cream Saviours!

20 Jul

I’m only allowed to eat my special Persian food as it is good for me…ok I get the odd treat of nori or duck liver and champagne pâté.  I don’t mind, I don’t really have a sweet tooth.  The boys do though! Mykie’s big thing is ice cream…it’s the only food that inspires sounds otherwise reserved for carnal indulgences.

This weekend we found ambrosia!  Thank you Waitrose!

Delightful!  They were substantial in size and tasted acceptably chocolatey and…less than 2% fat and typically 82 calories per stick!

These weren’t as good…they were smaller, had more calories and tasted a bit like cork…they were nice on a plate with some raspberries from the garden…on the whole…a bit shit…but each sandwich typically contains 101 calories and 2.8g of fat.

So it was Ice Cream Bonanza this weekend!  Simon had a slight problem as he thought the new finds were full of shit and chemical badness…

Then, like lightning, a memory, childhood summers, delicious dairy goodness, dildos…


Only 30 kcals per dildo…and still as delicious as ever…like sucking on nostalgia!

So no longer will ice cream be limited to the occasional treat in this house…frozen, milky phalluses for all!!!!


“Glitter, low in fat, calories and very filling”…

15 Jun

stock response to the remark “you gays’ are always so slim and well put together”.

So the boys abandoned me for the weekend and went off to Belgium…they’ve obviously been on the waffles or there has been an immaculate contraption.

So…what are the “fat day foods” in our house??

Sugar Free Jelly

32 calories and 6g protein per pint!!!!!!!

Sweet Baby Jee! Life Savour ;)! You can eat a whole bowl of the stuff and it is perfectly fine!  You do feel five years old and that you should have a party hat on your head while pinning a tail on something.

It is rather addictive and involves a “jelly schedule” to ensure it is suitably wibbly and not too runny.  Make some in the morning for the evening then make some more in the evening for the morning.

Top tip: Don’t try eating in bed unless you like to look like your waters have broken.

Soya Yoghurt

OK, many people think soya yoghurt is a taste apocalypse but try this stuff!  It is delightfully creamy tasting and only has 46 calories per 100g! It does have a distressing congealed consistency…like I imagine a jar of week old semen would have.  It is really nice though despite my bodily fluid analogies. Gloop it onto the jelly for a pseudo jelly & ice-cream treat!…I’ve not tried freezing it…I’m going to whack a tub in the bottom draw now.

Tinned Apples

Each super market seems to have their own version…and each supermarket version seems to have an unusually high proportion of dinted tins.  I have no idea why!  This stuff is the canines testicles!  About 80 calories for the whole tin!  Warm in the micro-machine for a hot treat with cinnamon (and maybe a splash of Sailor Jerry’s) or have it cold with gloopy soya yoghurt.  Filling and delightful!

Bran Flakes

Bran Flakes…sound dull…they are dull…

but they are high in fibre and fill you up like eating bricks.

They do seem to have some sort of built in timing mechanism as my bowel movements are more reliable than my alarm clock (but don’t beep or have a snooze function).


Where would I be without the black death?  Drank from a Disney Villain mug the size of a hot tub…maybe I’m just topping up my caffeine to my normal levels but fuck it – it can substitute for a snack (a very sweet snack if you put in around 12 Sweetex).

Stroop van Vrolingen

Stroopen Gloopen Deliciousness!  This is a strange stuff from Belgium that looks like brown hair gel and tastes like liquid raisins (my culinary descriptions conjure up some mighty tasty visions).  It is made out of just apples and pears boiled down forever.  Stick it on some soya yoghurt or a blob on some bran flakes or on some tinned apple…gloopilicious!

Everything is pretty much interchangeable/combinable, surprisingly filling and delightfully delicious.  If you don’t have a sweet tooth then it’s probably as appealing as eating a used tampon.

I’m not suggesting that this is a particularly healthy diet or anything but as someone who used to have to squeeze into Lycra and bounce around in public, it’s great for shifting a few pounds quickly.

On that note, I’m off to have a bowl of bran flakes with glitter.