Tag Archives: parenting

The top tier…

13 Sep

The boys recently celebrated their first wedding anniversary.  Since the big day the top tier has been in the freezer.  It is traditional to store the top tier to use as the christening cake for the couples first born…

Mykie makes a fucking good cake!

Christening is one of the last things I’d inflict upon a child, if they wanted to when they were older I wouldn’t stop them but it’d be their choice…We could always use the cake for some sort of Naming Ceremony for the Himalayan Whistle Kid we would purchase from Ebay Adoption…or not…

We defrosted the cake this weekend and gorged ourselves on the still deliciously decadent fruit cake with chocolate fondant (it contains enough brandy to preserve it forever…nuclear war, I know what the cockroaches would be eating).  It’s just a cake, right?  Nope, for me it was making the final decision to not have children (I always enact major life choices with cake).So what has brought me to the point of “Mykie says No to Children” (apart from the sweet siren song of forbidden fruit cake)?

I always wanted kids, from the days of being a homo in the wardrobe (we are in England people, we don’t have closets here) right through until the last few years.  I used to sit and pick out baby names with my girlfriends (my childless status is probably a blessing for this reason alone…no one else seems that fond of Quinilda or Theodora) and it upset me terribly when the cool kids next door moved away.  I love playing with kids and coddling babies and generally interacting with little perkins; Unfortunately, if I had some of my own it would all go horribly wrong.  This isn’t going to be a self indulgent, queeny rant about how I can’t even look after myself/my life is far too fabulous/I’m too high maintenance to think of anyone else…blah, blah, blah.  The reason I don’t think it would be a good idea is that I’ve thought about some things too much and others not enough…there are no do-overs with kids…if you fuck them up…you pay the psychologists bill.

I’ve read that kids learn languages more easily in their early years and learning a musical instrument can positively influence brain development.  I’d also like them them to have opportunities I didn’t like gymnastics from a very young age/baby ballet/baby yoga/baby swimming…so far the kid is speaking Cantonese/Mandarin/English/Spanish/French, playing the piano/violin/guitar/saxophone/dulcimer whist tumbling to music ending in a grand finale full-in-full to lotus position…I’ve not even started with the arts curriculum.  Despite all this planning and a horrible fear my little baby would miss out on a life changing opportunity…I only learned that you have to brush a baby’s teeth a few weeks ago.

And the list goes on…

  • I want Quinilda to think critically and rationally, so do I tell her about Santa?
  • I want her to express herself, but she needs to know about boundaries…do I smack her?  Do I have a naughty step?  Do I let her run naked through the streets pissing down her leg?
  • I’ve heard you can raise a baby without nappies…they can be taught to crap on demand…I would be testing this.
  • I want her to enjoy healthy foods and the natural sweetness of fruit and veg, can I really deny her chocolate and other super-normal stimuli?
  • What time do babies go to bed?
  • What is the best food for a baby?
  • What do I do if she’s crap at everything?
  • Or not very pretty?
  • When do you let kids walk to school/cross the road on their own?
  • What if she’s a friendless social misfit?
  • Or a big dirty cum whore?

The summary of all these points is that I know how much pressure I put on myself to do things well, I don’t want to transfer my insecurities and neuroses to a child…I don’t want to be a pushy soccer/pageant/dance school mum…but I know I would be…I would try and squash so much into the kids life so they didn’t miss out they would end up hating and resenting me which would break my heart.

I don’t think you can “win” at child rearing…

Unfortunately you can’t just try harder and harder to be a good parent…

I think it takes a degree of temperance that I simply do not possess.

So I have shed a tear this week (as I stuffed myself with cake) but I am happy being Uncle Mykie if the opportunity presents itself.  I don’t feel a void in my life that I need to fill with multi-racial small people. I will content myself with bedecking other peoples kids in Baby Dior and Disney Princess ensembles.

You can still see the footprints! The only tiny footprints in this house.

I am king of this house and I wouldn’t want what amounts to the bastard hybridization of a loaf of bread and a fog-horn anywhere near me.  Let’s not forget people…Mykie has just chosen cake over children…he would be an awful daddy.